Blob Review - Salt Dog Slims

The first thing you notice when turning up at this 'Salt Dog Slims' place is that they've gone for a few stairs outside their door. Bit flashy.

Back in the early 2000s when everybody was looking into getting steps or stairs, we had a little go ourselves. We were warned against it like, seen as though our door was on street level but, we'd come into a bit of money after our fruity hadn't paid out for about a year. We asked some of the customers what they fancied seeing at the Blob and the answer, unanimously, was 'Steps.' So we went with it.

Initially, most people were a bit gutted that we had gone in for some actual steps and not got the band round to do smash hits like 'When the Feelings Gone and You Can't Go On' and 'Better Best Not Remembered' but after we pulled the bedsheets off our new purchase, everyone was right on board.

The problems were fairly clear. The steps had no back and most people banged their head on the frame of the door when they reached the top. In fact, we broke our daily record for most NHS One Stop trips, smashing the previous record previously set after our inaugural, and only ever, Knuckles Championship of 98, during which Mad Mart lost a knuckle, and an Ace of Spades. Anyone who managed to duck the door frame fell right off onto the wooden floor. We had to bin them, in the big bins, after an hour.

These jokers at 'Salt Dog Slims' clearly don't know their history though, and they've gone with steps. Our customer research shows that most people like belly sliding out at the end of the night and the last thing they want to negotiate, even more so than the repayments on their tab, is a set of stairs. Blob 1-0 S.D.S

One of the things we've been accused of in the past is not being on Blob when it comes to serving food. We've tried nearly everything:

• Nuts – we asked Mad Mart to put his away while people were eating
• Volley Vants – we booted the German lads out who vanted too much sauce
• Pot Noodles – we loaded our noodles with green to get people even more hungry

and so it was with great curiosity we had a little look at the scran available in here. First off, were 'chilli dogs' which, disappointingly weren't cold at all, quite warm. If there's one thing you don't want your food to be it's too warm. That's the job of your bevvy on a cold winter night (more on the so called bevvys on offer in a minute). The dog came over and, lo and behold, not a Princes hot dog in sight. There was then a wait of about 45 minutes until it became clear there wasn't any brown sauce coming over at all. Lashed it on the floor and turned our hat to the ale on offer.

As we walked over we couldn't see a big F on a pump anywhere. Or a friendly Carlin. We're all for experimenting at the bar, we tried chip and pin once – but people kept cutting their hands on the pins trying to clench their change, putting blood all over their chips – but these start ups are going to flounder if they don't get the basics right. When was the last time you walked past this Salty Dog gaff and saw a load of your salt of the earth lads in no t-shirts and members only jackets playing a friendly game of darts. Even though there isn't a dart board? Exactly.

The whole two hours we were there, nobody offered us any socks or batteries, there wasn't a proper bar of Dove in the bogs and we didn't hear the Rat Pack or The Mavericks all night. Frankly we couldn't wait to get over the Raz for a green drink.

Rating: 1 lager top out of 5 pints